H.G.V. Driving Test.

Q. WHEN SHOULD YOU USE YOUR HEADLIGHTS?

A. To warn your mates of a speed trap.

Q. WHEN DO YOU OVERTAKE ON THE LEFT?

A. When the bastard in front won't move over.

Q. WHAT DOCUMENTS DO YOU TAKE ON THE ROAD?

A. Daily Mirror, Sport, Playboy and the Sun.

Q. WHEN MUST YOU STOP?

A. To have a piss, leg over or tot of brandy.

Q. WHERE SHOULD YOU NOT PARK?

A. Outside of the house of the tart you are screwing.

Q. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT TO SEE ON A RURAL ROAD?

A. Rural tarmac.

Q. HOW MANY TYPES OF PEDESTRIAN CROSSINGS ARE THERE?

A. Two - Those who make it and those who don't.

Q. WHAT IS THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR OVERTAKING ON THE MOTORWAY?

A. Foot hard down, eyes shut and smile.

Q. WHEN SHOULD YOU USE THE FAST LANE ON A MOTORWAY?

A. When you're going home on a promise.

Q. WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENT OF A BREAK DOWN ON THE MOTORWAY?

A. Leave the f*!*ing thing and hitch a lift.

Q. WHAT DOES A YELLOW JUNCTION BOX MEAN?

A. They have run out of white paint.

Q. WHAT DO BROKEN WHITE LINES MEAN IN THE ROAD?

A. Careless Irish navvies.

Q. WHAT DOES THE HIGHWAY CODE SAY ABOUT TYRES?

A. Use only round ones.

Q. WHEN CAN YOU CROSS DOUBLE WHITE LINES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?

A. After 9 lagers, two vodkas and a whisky.

Q. HOW DO YOU AVOID DROWSINESS ON THE MOTORWAY?

A Finger your hitch-hiker.

Q. WHAT MUST YOU DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE A BUILDING SITE?

A. Make sure you have enough timber under the sheet for a new kitchen cabinet.

Q. WHAT DO DOUBLE YELLOW LINES ON THE SIDE OF A ROAD MEAN?

A. Chinese take-away ahead.

Q. WHERE DO YOU SITUATE YOUR WARNING TRIANGLE WHEN BROKEN DOWN?

A. Up the transport managers arse.

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HAVE YOU PASSED YOUR H.G.V. TEST?